Failure. Period.

Sunday, September 25

Four hours after I peed on that pregnancy test, I got my period. Fuck. I could’ve saved $8! (I’m a frugal bitch.) I guess I have to get used to the fact that my periods are just going to come all willy-nilly, with no signs, taking me by surprise. I hate that. Being on the pill, I knew the exact hour when I’d start to bleed. This irregular business takes me back to high school, when the river would start flooding in the middle of the school play (where I had to wait until my exit offstage to scramble behind some scenery and hastily shove in a tampon before my next entrance onstage. Yes, I did that) or when I was in gym class, cross-country skiing around the school when the cramps began, so I cut across the football field to get back inside to take care of the incoming deluge, when I woke up in the middle of that football field, covered in snow. As you could guess, passing out from cramps and blood loss kind of got in the way of my social scene.

I really hope that business doesn’t return. Just keep me mostly on track, and without horrible cramps, severe bleeding and giant zits, please.

I stopped taking anti-histamines because I heard from my trying-to-get-pregnant friend that it dries out your lady parts, making sperm have to work harder. And now I sneeze a lot. But it’s OK. I really learn a lot from this friend. She doesn’t know we’re trying. I told her we’re in talks, but haven’t pulled the trigger. I’m a horrible liar and the worst secret keeper. We’ll see how long I can keep that lie going. Anyway, I also learned from her that saliva kills sperm, so oral sex should be a no-no. Oh, come on!! That’s like taking away the best part! So, we haven’t executed that one just yet. Maybe in month three. When I’ll also cut out alcohol for two weeks a month as well.

Shit. The things I do for this kid. He/she better be thankful.

Tuesday, November 1

My first cycle was 33 days, the second was 27 and the third is 34 and counting… I thought I’d get it last week, but still nothing. I haven’t resorted to a pregnancy test yet because I honestly think I’d feel pregnant. I guess that’s dumb. I kind of hope I’m not because the last three weekends were drink fests. If I am, I may have pickled it. That Halloween party was super fun. Before that, the wine tasting. Before that, the friend’s birthday bar hop. Oh my, October was fun. From what I remember.

Work has gotten very stressful. That’s why the last three weekends were pretty blotto. I’ve got to stop turning to booze. Wonderful old friend, booze. Especially because I could get pregnant. No need to make it retarded. Maybe I’ll go Sober November…

We really dropped the ball in October anyway. Only had sex four times, and only two during the prime “maybe ovulation” time. Oops. I think part of me is giving up. Not in a negative way, just in a “let’s just stop thinking about it and let life happen” way. Hence, the drinking like I’m 21. It occurs to me that I’m probably too late. Too old. I’m not super sad about it, because adoption always seemed like a fine choice, so I’m not counting out parenthood. But I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m older than I feel and it probably won’t happen. Let’s look on the bright side: I won’t have to ruin my mostly average-looking body. My vagina will stay the same. And my boobs will always look pretty fucking great. So, that’s nice.

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