(Note: Thank you for your patience as I catch you up on where life is today. I promise, not too much longer and my posts will reflect the actual date.)
Wednesday, August 31
If my cycle was going to be normal this month, I was supposed to get my period yesterday. I did not. Nor do I feel like I’m going to. No sore boobs, no bloating, no cramps. Hmmm…. But the chance of me having a normal cycle is probably not good. I was super irregular 20 years ago before the pill. I used to get it twice a month for at least 10 days each. It was always a nasty surprise when it came (middle of the school play, for example) and it always lasted forever. Super heavy and super painful cramps that made me cry, even pass out. Although I went off the pill for three months a decade ago to see what would happen (I had just broken up with the guy I was seeing, so it was as good a time as any), everything stayed the same – I was on time – except for the giant cyst/zits that showed up on my face and hurt like hell and wouldn’t go away. So I guess I was assuming I’d be on time this month.
I’ve decided to wait until the weekend to take a pregnancy test. I still don’t believe that I’m pregnant. I mean, who gets knocked up on their first month of trying? At 38! Besides, I don’t feel pregnant. Surely I would feel something, right? More tired perhaps? Nausea? Sore boobs? Something? I guess it’s a good thing that I’m going Sober September again this year (third annual!) Except for the wine tasting/dinner that I scheduled for Saturday. Oops. Unless I’m pregnant. But I’m sure I’m not. Right?
Also, my skin hasn’t turned to shit yet. I thought that would happen immediately. Yay for clear skin!
Friday, September 2
Bought a pregnancy test today. I bought it along with my birth control pills, which I’m hoarding. I bet the pharmacist wanted to laugh! I kept singing “One of these things is not like the others,” in my head. And damn, are those tests expensive! I thought I picked the cheapest one. It said $10.99, but when I got home, I noticed the receipt said $14.99.
I’m going to take it tomorrow morning, and then I’ll know if I can drink at the wine tasting/dinner. Is it bad that I’m hoping I’m not? I’ll be shitting myself if I’m pregnant. Partly because I don’t believe that I am. Partly because I don’t feel ready. But maybe this is just denial. I don’t want to believe it would be that easy. With everything I’ve read, it should be a struggle for me, at 38.5, to get pregnant. But if I am… life is about to get interesting….
Saturday, September 3
I peed on my first pregnancy stick, with hand shaking and heart pounding. I kept thinking, “My life could totally change.” It’s exciting to think about, also anxiety-inducing. I purposefully put the test upside down so I couldn’t see it. DH wanted to do this with me — as much as he could. So after I left the bathroom, we waited together for a few minutes before I flipped it over in front of him.
One line. Not pregnant. Part of me is going “Whew!” Part of me is disappointed. It’s what I expected, but it’s hitting me that this could be something I fail at. My whole life, I worked so hard to be safe, to not have any unplanned pregnancies, since they tend to happen in my family (four so far — all teenage moms). I was a smart girl. I never had unprotected sex unless in a committed relationship and then we got tested and I was on the pill. I think I always assumed I’d get pregnant the second I tried. At least, until I read the research about women my age. Now I know it’s not like that. I may have missed my window.
But I’m going to think about that. As DH said (with a smile), “I guess we’ve got more practicing to do.”