Wednesday, August 10

If my egg was going to make an appearance this month (and who knows? I just went off the pill. Could this happen so soon?) and my cycle stayed regular (also doubtful. I was never regular before the pill) I’d be ovulating around Friday of this week to next Tuesday. Prime baby-making days. We need to have lots and lots of sex. So I set today as Day 1 of Super Awesome No Birth Control Sex For The Very First Time In My Entire Life. (I’m not kidding. I’ve always been a smart girl.) We made a sex date. I got home from work and was busying myself with stuff to do around the house. I was nervous as hell. Still full of doubt, nervous and scared, and DH picked up on it. (I love this about him! He can read me before I can.) He asked me what was going on. I lied and said it was my job. “Just job stuff.” I’m sure he saw through my lie. I just didn’t want to admit it: maybe my fear means we shouldn’t do this. Maybe I’m not meant to be a mom. Maybe I’ll never feel ready. What if this is a huge mistake and we fuck up our kid? What if I’m the worst mother ever? Or what if I’m a good mom, but I let everything else go in the shitter — being a good wife, a good employee… What if having a child ruins our relationship? Etc, etc…

When we first decided we were going to try for kids, I spent hours playing the What If game. I lobbed every “what if…” at DH I could think of, and he countered with his own optimistic what ifs. It went something like this:

Me: “What if our child has my bad eyes, bad back, your bad stomach and your family’s bad knees?”

Him: “What if our child is healthy and beautiful and never struggles with physical limitations?”

Me: “What if he/she has Downs? What if they’re autistic? What if they’re just dumb and we hate them?”

Him: “What if our child is fun and bright and curious and makes us laugh every day?”

It was at the end of hours of this that I finally said, “Ok, well, I need to be married first, so you better get on that.” And he proposed 3 months later.

I want to give him a child. He’s going to make an amazing father. We both want to take the things we loved about our childhoods (and ignore the ones we hated – there are a lot for me) and establish a happy family that’s fun and functional and close. I have an image in my head of him reading bedtime stories to our future child. It makes me all warm and fuzzy. When I feel panicked and anxious and like I’m freaking out about this decision, I just need to go to that image to calm down.

I’ll admit, the Super Awesome No Birth Control Sex For The Very First Time In My Entire Life wasn’t the greatest. We were both nervous. DH kept talking and joking. I wanted to get it going already, since it was already past my bedtime on a school night. I got him focused, and we did it. Meh. It wasn’t the greatest sex ever, but there will certainly be more opportunities. I stayed laying in bed an extra 15 minutes, as the conceiving tips say to do. Swim, sperm, swim!

Friday, August 12

Day 2 of Super Awesome No Birth Control Sex. Much better!! I’m finally getting into this idea. And I’m happy to discover that we’re not the only ones trying. Four other couples are in on the action too. And another is about to have twins. And my best friend has a 4-month-old now. Which makes me feel relieved. I won’t be alone in this project. And when we all have our babies, we can get together with our families and feel lame and old together. Yay for lame baby parties!

Saturday, August 13

Day 3. Super fun! I don’t know if it’s because we just got married, or if I’m just turning into a dirty whore, but unprotected no birth control sex is getting fun!

And yesterday we learned that other friends of ours are having a baby. She was on birth control. So, part of the .001% of people who get pregnant on the pill. But she was also on other meds, so they probably had a play in it. I’m very happy for them. And that makes another set of friends who are in the same boat. Surrounded by resources and help and information. I love it!

Monday, August 15

For the last two days, I’ve felt a pain/uncomfortablness in my stomach/overies area. This could be ovulation (haven’t felt that in 20 years!) or maybe…. baby? Doubtful, but I’m really trying to pay attention to my body. I drank some beers this weekend, so I feel bloated too. This could all just be nothing. Maybe I ate or drank too much, and that’s all. (Yes, I know a perfect person wouldn’t be drinking while trying to get pregnant. I’m not that person.)

Gained five pounds since the wedding. I really don’t want to go back on Jenny Craig (too expensive, sick of the food, and not smart when you’re trying to get pregnant) but I also don’t want to spiral down back to my previous weight. I’m still about 20-25 lbs overweight. It would be nice to lose that before I get pregnant, but I’m not holding my breath. I’ve got to eat smarter. And stop drinking. Both very difficult tasks for me.

Get on it, girl!

Tuesday, August 16

Missed a sex date last night. I was about asleep on the couch and then realized and said, “Oh wait, we’re supposed to be having sex tonight.” And DH said, “We’ll be fine if we push it back tomorrow.” This is not a good sign.

I did more research and I’m pretty sure my yucky stomach feeling is ovulation. I could be wrong, of course. I’m not doing the thermometers or predictor kits or checking my fluid (ew — and seriously, how am I supposed to know if my cervix has changed? Are there really women out there who can reach inside themselves and touch their cervix?? I know my fingers aren’t that long!)

Anyway, sexy sex tonight. I’m on it.

Friday, August 19

Yesterday, I worked out twice. Not that that makes up for not working out in weeks, but a girl can dream. In the morning, on my treadmill, walking uphill while reading from my Kindle, I experienced a sharp cramp-like pain in my lower abdoment. Is this ovulation pain? I’ve been getting weird pains for over a week now. I’m not sure, but this is new. I haven’t ovulated in 20 years, so I wouldn’t know what the hell I’m feeling.

Sex again last night. Yee-ha!

Saturday, August 20

Super cramp-like pains last night. I drank some wine and it got better. I hope it’s not my period coming early. That’s not due until the 30th. But wouldn’t it be amazing if I didn’t get it then either? Chances are not good that I’d be pregnant in the first month of trying, but you never know….

Sex on the agenda today. Bring it.

Saturday, August 27

Oops. We somehow let a week and two days go by without sex. I guess because I knew I probably wasn’t ovulating, I let it slide. How boring am I? Got it in today though, then headed out for Sailor Saturday. (Dress up like sailors and bar hop downtown to all the nautical bars.) Only made it to three bars before Grandma kicked in and wanted to go to bed. I won’t report how many beers I had. Let’s just say, I’m trying not to think about how many I won’t be able to drink when I get pregnant. (I know, I know.  I shouldn’t be drinking while trying to get pregnant either, but for now, it’s fine. We’ll start cutting out some stuff during the coming months when we aren’t successful at putting a bun in my oven.)


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