A Hippy-Dippy Plan

If you’ve held on this long and have been reading my back-dated pregnancy minutiae posts, I thank you. And I apologize. But I’m up to date at last!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! (My second favorite holiday – and I can’t enjoy it like it’s meant to be enjoyed – drinking beer and faking an Irish accent and hopping from one pub to the other. Such a shame!)

My uterus is the size of a soccer ball. You're welcome, Internet.

24 weeks – 6 months! “Baby is growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. Since she’s almost a foot long, she cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but her body is filling out proportionally and she’ll soon start to plump up. Her brain is also growing quickly now, and her taste buds are continuing to develop. Her lungs are developing ‘branches’ of the respiratory ‘tree’ as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help her air sacs inflate once she hits the outside world. Her skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.”

I signed us up for hypnobirthing classes, which start in April. What is hypnobirthing? I really don’t know. But Jessica Alba says, “After taking Alisha’s HypnoBirthing class we had a calm easy birth. Her guided imagery is second to none.” Jessica also tells OK! magazine after the birth, “The labor was more like meditation, I did yoga breathing. I was focused. It was really Zen.” And Matt LeBlanc says,It was an absolutely wonderful experience, the baby just glided out.”

Did you hear that? Glided out! Doesn’t that sound nice? Two pushes or less, that’s my goal!

I just want to know all I can about what could potentially happen, and have an arsenal of tools on my belt that I can use to get through it. I have fears and anxieties about birth, like most normal women, and I don’t want those to get in my way. So I’m hoping these classes will help me deal with pain and fear, and teach me breathing or astral projection or whatever to go to another place when I need it, while my body does the unimaginable. Sounds reasonable, right???

I told DH that it’ll be hard for him, but I’d like him to try to keep his eye-rolling and scoffing to a minimum. Because I’m sure some of it is going to be hippy-dippy. But those hippies, they know their shit. I want to know my shit too. Especially since we’re interested in a natural non-hospital birth. (I know. I’m crazy. Everyone thinks so. I did too when I first heard of such a thing. But I’ve done some research and it makes perfect sense now. I’ll get back to you on whether there’s regret later.)

I watched a natural birth video on BabyCenter.com the other day. Holymotherofgod. It was only 15 min long and had a voiceover lady who summarized it all. But there was no mistaking the obvious pain that woman was in. She moved around in all sorts of positions, often using her partner to help with back massages and stuff. That part was cool. But when it came to the moment of truth – I ain’t gonna lie, I had to look away. It was hard to keep my comments quiet while I was at work, because what I really wanted to exclaim was, “Oh, my God! That is just wrong! Back up, camera person, back up! Do we need to be this close?!”

Dear Universe, please help me to only have a 15-minute pushing stage, and please don’t do that to my vagina. Thank you.

I’ve told some friends of our plans so far (knowing full well that our plans could go out the window if mother nature doesn’t play along) but we’re keeping it from the family. DH’s mom has made a few epidural jokes, and there is the natural assumption that a hospital will be involved. We haven’t corrected them yet. It will be an undoubtedly scary concept for them, so why put them through that? Let them think what they want, and we’ll reveal the truth later. Or afterward! “Here is your beautiful, perfect grandchild. Now, let us tell you about how she got here!”

It’s a rainy, shitty day here in LA. We had plans of a backyard party with a drunken zipline challenge, but I guess all the fun will have to be indoors now. It’s been a mad scramble by DH to get the inside ready for company. We’ll see who has the courage to brave the wet roads to come party with an expecting couple. Feverishly grasping at the remaining we-can-still-be-cool-and-fun stage before a child flips all that shit upside down …

Slainte! Stay safe out there!

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