Damn Hormones

Friday, March 2

Twenty-two weeks. The last ultrasound went perfectly. When we first saw her, she had both legs jacknifed up by her face and was sucking on her toes! Hey, crazy, flexible little girl … We couldn’t get a good face shot again because she was too close to the placenta. But we got a good, long look at everything and the most glorious words kept coming from the sonographer’s mouth: normal, healthy, perfect, good. Yay! I swear, nothing sounds better than normal and healthy. And that weird heart thing they mentioned at one point last time? It’s nothing. Because her heart looked and was pumping perfectly!

Another exhale in this journey of motherhood. We are so blessed. Thank you, Universe!

I’m now going to talk about something that you’re not going to want to hear. I won’t judge you if you go away without reading further. In fact, I recommend it. Like that image of Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids, shitting into a sink, going “Look away!” That’s how I feel. You’ve been warned  …

I’m growing an obscene amount of hair in places that didn’t have hair before. I’m talking about my butthole. What the hell???! How am I supposed to trim that??? I’ve been blessed with very little body hair, and what I have is mostly blonde, so the need to shave isn’t as urgent as it might be for, say, an Italian girl (thinking of you M!) I’m blessed to have a husband who doesn’t really care about that kind of stuff. My leg hairs grow for weeks before I shave. I am not, however, a hairy beast under the arms or down below. I stay trimmed. Scissor trimmed, because for the love of God I would never, ever, in a million years go to a waxer. Hold my cheeks open for a stranger to apply hot wax to my hooha? Nope.com! And thankfully, it’s never been an issue.

But now. Oh, my God. What on earth is that??? I know my hormones are producing some crazy shit (giant boobs, stronger nails, bumpy nipples, backne… ugh) but why on earth would I suddenly need hair on my asshole? Tell me what the purpose of that is! I suppose I should be grateful my nips haven’t started sprouting yet. Yet. Sigh … It’s got to go. If not for my husband (and he really is the priority) but if I’m going to have my lady parts splayed out for all doctors to see, they are going to look as squeeky clean as they can.

So … Internet, what do you use to trim your butt hairs? Will any electric trimmer do? Help a hairy girl out!

2 thoughts on “Damn Hormones

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