I Reserve the Right to Change My Mind

27 Weeks. One week away from third trimester. The baby is the size of a head of broccoli or cauliflower. She’s now developed all five senses. She can see – but it’s blurry. She can hear me and other voices. She is developing a sense of touch, and she can smell and taste the food that I eat. (Sorry, babe! But frog balls are delicious!)

Painting my toenails has become very difficult. Why? Can you guess? Here’s a pic:

Where are my feet??

In my research on home birth, I came across the other side of the debate: the one that says it’s unsafe. And holy balls, were there some horror stories. Some awful, heartbreaking stories of things going wrong. Ugh. Not gonna lie, I got totally spooked. Is it the most irresponsible thing to give birth in a non-hospital setting? Am I crazy? We’re reaching out to more midwives to ask questions. I suppose a happy medium for a first birth is to have a midwife with us to labor at home for as long as I can (the longer you wait, the less likely you’ll get medical interventions like drugs and C-sections), then tell me when it’s time to head to the hospital, where I give birth, with her present, to help us stick to our plan. Sure, there will be the shitty hospital protocol that’ll suck: the bright lights, the noise, the 500 people streaming in and out to take a look at my hoo-ha, stick their fingers in me, strapped to various machines, feet in stirrups, unable to move… sigh… but the end result is the same: a healthy baby and mom. Right??

The one snag in the plan is it can take us over an hour to get to our hospital. And I’d be taking that ride during the most painful time probably. Not fun. So, my idea was this: When the labor begins, we head to a hotel that’s nearby the hospital (hoping there’s a room available) and labor there, so we can quickly check into the hospital when it’s time. I’m sure there are drawbacks to this idea as well (how will the hotel feel about this? What kind of mess will I leave? Will we be able to use various devices in the room to help me – the ball, the pool, the tub, etc.?)

This hurts my head. It’s such a anxiety-ridden decision. I’ve been told that I’ll be in so much pain and/or so focused on my job, that I won’t care what is going on in that hospital — If they want to string me up by my ankles and display me in the waiting room, I’d be ok with it because I’ll be so busy trying to get that baby out. But I don’t believe it.

But, this from the girl who’s purchased a cute delivery dress — $58 on a dress (that buttons up the back and can be untied at the top for breastfeeding) that I will attempt to wear during birth that will get covered in all sorts of goo and blood, rendering it useless after that day. All because I don’t want to be naked. And I don’t want to wear a stupid used hospital gown. In denial much? I can’t help it if I want to hold onto the prude in me just a little longer!

What do you think? Am I nuts?

Annoying Pregnancy Symptom of the Week: Itchiness. Can’t. Stop. Scratching.

2 thoughts on “I Reserve the Right to Change My Mind

  1. I would love love to talk with you. you are not nuts. I think it is wonderful you are asking these questions (critical thinking). You are taking not just yourself but someone else into consideration. There is a lot of conflicting evidence out there. I think a good place to start to just get a snip of all the issues is a movie called the business of being born. In addition to that i have many well researched books i would also recommend to you. If you check out my blog i have a list of about 7 or 8. They will at least be inspiring. Home birth is crazy if you choose a professional who does not have good credentials. From a scientific evidence standpoint Home Birth in the US is actually safer than a hospital for woman who are low risk and have a trained professional. If you weren’t low risk a home birth midwife wouldn’t take you on. Meaning you can’t have diabeties, preclampsia, or other health problems. When i was thinking about becoming a midwife i got a mentor, wrote a literature review and studied the facts. I found that you really have to stay away from antecdotal info and the media. There is lots of good research out there about home births. I gave birth to my baby at home i had a midwife with 20+ years and it was the most wonderful birth. Yes it is hard hard work, yes at times it is painful, but you gain such respect for yourself and your body when you felt you did it under your terms. Your body just takes over. I read so much. But really, if you just go with the flow your body and mind provide you with that intuitive wisdom in the birthing moment that i cannot express with words. If you want to push yourself harder than you ever have. If you want to put complete faith in yourself and your abilities as a women. Do it. Have your baby at home.

    1. Thank you! I have seen The Business of Being Born. I heard about it after reading Ricki Lake’s book, Your Best Birth. I told my husband that he might think I was crazy, but we had to watch this documentary together. We were both shocked and have had many discussions about our options. I originally thought a birth center was a happy medium, but there just isn’t one nearby, leading us to consider doing it at home. Having a hospital birth makes me nervous, but after reading some of the horror home birth stories, I’m not sure what I’m more scared of.

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