If you know me and don’t want to hear about my sex life, stop reading now. You’ve been warned.
Let’s talk about sex. Typically, a doctor will give you six weeks to heal up and then gives you the thumbs up for sex. And I’m calling bullshit on that.
I mean, I didn’t even have a physically traumatic birth (standard vaginal, episiotomy that healed fine) but six weeks? Are you kidding me? Let’s just say that I’ve been slow going on the whole “getting back on the horse.” At six weeks, I still had stuff coming out of me. At 12 weeks, I was still feeling like a red, puffy monkey’s ass down there. I’d say at 16 weeks was around when I started to get my vag back, as in not acutely aware that I pushed a baby out, but still having a protective feeling toward that part of my body. Well… it’s been 20 weeks (I have a 5 month old! Holy shit) and there is still a stop sign down there. My husband, my wonderful, patient husband hasn’t had hardly any action since I was seven months pregnant. So, that makes it 8 months for him. What a saint that he’s not throwing it in my face every chance he can.
What is wrong with me? Let me count the ways. Physically – the vag still doesn’t quite seem normal yet. Tampons are not working out, so there is still something going on inside of me that is like “get the fuck out.” I’m trying to get back on a regular cycle, thanks to the mini pill, but I keep bleeding, which is fucking annoying. Three periods in one month … awesome. And I couldn’t feel less attractive in this body. But also, I feel dead inside. (More than usual.) There’s absolutely no sex drive. None. Part of it is PTSD-like, I’m sure. I don’t want nothin inside of me. And the other has to be hormones. I’m still breastfeeding – a tiny, tiny bit — so maybe the hormones are making sure I don’t get pregnant again and are pumping out the unsexy stuff to keep me from being tempted? I don’t know. Whatever. It sucks. It’s not like I’m ready to jump his bones, but I do wish I had a little initiative. The desire to get a little action. But I don’t. As far as my body is concerned, I might as well have left my vagina at the hospital.
Also, I’d go so far as to say I’m scared. Scared of what? Pain? Pshaw. Nothing can hurt like labor. Mainly, I think I’m scared of engaging that part of me again. The wife part. I’ve spent so much time getting to know the mom part of me, and thinking of myself in terms of a mom, that the wife part seems like a faraway version of myself that I’ve grown out of or something. I don’t know if I know how to shut the mom part off and try to wake the wife. I’m afraid I’d be going through the motions and faking it. Actually, my husband deserves at least that, so I should just shut up and do it already. But to tear my brain away from that gorgeous baby we made and focus on the hubs – it’s hard. One day, we were trying to get a little action in the shower while the baby was taking a nap. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how I wouldn’t be able to hear her if she woke up and cried. Just try to be sexy when you’re thinking about your baby. Ugh. I ended it, told him I couldn’t and got out of the shower. Poor guy.
Also, parents, please tell me when you do it. How can you possibly find the time once you have a baby? Ours takes micro naps, so when she’s out, we scramble to get stuff done. Laundry, bills, etc. And when she goes down at night, before 8:00 if we’re lucky, we are just wiped out. That’s when we sack out on the couch, grab a glass of wine and watch one of our TV shows before I pass out at 9:00. Lame, I know. I know we should suck it up and just make that our time together, but please, can you blame me for preferring Parenthood (the show) to funky town? (That’s a Parenthood reference – such a good show!)
Plus, the mini pill, which is safe for breastfeeding, has a higher chance of failing. As many as 9 in 100 end up pregnant when taken correctly. And that scares the shit out of me. Go through all that again? Not sure I ever will. Two kids sounded fine once upon a time, but now, it sounds 100 times harder than one. And I can’t wrap my mind around that idea. At least, not yet. And taking that 9 percent chance so soon makes me really nervous. So condoms will probably have to be added. And ew. Not looking forward to that.
I feel like an awful wife. So much guilt. Getting used to this new feeling that seems rampant with parenthood. I feel guilty that I can’t give it up for my husband and scared that our marriage is taking a hit because of it. When will I feel normal again?