Lost in Mommyland

Uh…. Wow, so, there goes 7 months. I thought I wanted to make this a mommy blog, but as it turns out, Mommy fails at blogging about parenthood – she just blogs about pregnancy. (Duhn, duhn, duhn … a cliff hanger!)

But let’s catch up, shall we? C is 15 months old. She walks (and is starting to run!), she has a few words: mama, nana, dada, caw (for bird), hi, night-night and baby. She has sounds that we know mean “kitty,” “dog,” “look at that” and “I need help.” She is transitioning to one nap a day, instead of two. She eats everything. She is a delight to whomever encounters her. And she has a personality that is beginning to form: She gets frustrated easily (a Mom trait), loves cats and dogs and giraffes and pigs, is happy more often than not, is a tough cookie who can shake off the owies in no time, leans toward cars and the like more than dolls and the like, and loves to swing and slide and get tossed around by Daddy. And to the delight of us both, she LOVES books. I get a total mom boner when I see her with a book.

I mean, just look at her:

Gorgeous baby on a train
Gorgeous baby on a train

But the time has come upon us, the time I was dreading, the time I tried to ignore was coming but was reminded of every day I took my birth control pill … the time to decide … if we’re going for number two.

I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO ACCENTUATE THAT: WE’RE THINKING OF HAVING A SECOND BABY. EEEEEK!!

We’ve had maybe four conversations about this. The first one was before we got married and DH asked me how many kids I wanted. I said, “One? Maybe?” And he said, “I think two would be nice.” And after a debate, I said, “Well, you better get going, because I need to be married.” And that kickstarted that adventure. The second time was sometime before C turned 1, and it was me setting a timeline (because I’m the planner after all). We would wait until baby C was 1, then we’d wait three more months to work out our worries, and then by October, we’d make the decision to expand the fam or just be a party of three. And then that decision had to be final, because I was approaching 41, and my eggs were past the recommended “sell by” date. That second conversation was much like the first, I mumbled a couple negatives, and he countered with the positives, and it was over. The third conversation was last Friday night. It was even briefer than the first two, and involved some frustrations with our nanny situation and ended with us both worked up and unable to sleep — right before bed. The following night was the last time it came up. I again vomited out all my negative worries and fears, and DH passionately defended our little family and made a case for how amazing we’re doing and how we’ll be even more amazing with one more child.

I want to believe him, but I’m still on the fence. I’ve made my pro/con list and it’s 6 against and 5 for. Some days it sounds nice, other days it makes me groan. I’m a naturally negative person, so I tend to focus on that side of things a bit. So if I take that into consideration, it’s really a half and half conundrum.

It is October. Time is running out. I’m starting to panic. Do I jump in and make this my job, like last time and make it happen — go off birth control, schedule the sex, track the ovulation and obsess? Or do I just say “fuck it” and go off birth control and see what happens? Or, do I put my foot down and say, “C is the most amazing creation. All our beautiful went into her. Let’s not jinx it”?

What do you think? Moms of two or more — want to weigh in? Should we or shouldn’t we?

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